If you’re going to do something tonight that you’ll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late. Henny Youngman

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Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. Mark Twain

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Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. George Burns

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them. Mitch Hedberg

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People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do. Isaac Asimov

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There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments. Chris Rock

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No man has a good enough memory to be a successful liar. Abraham Lincoln

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A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve Martin

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